(How to Have an Orgasm)
I'm going to crawl
inch like a caterpillar
into the earpiece of
his telephone and
make him say
-I never loved you.
I'm going to steal
all of his pills
so he can't eat them.
And when and if he comes down,
I will make him own up:
-I wasn't in love with you.
I'm going to go to him,
apologize,
make him see,
I wasn't myself then.
But I needed that crawlspace he gave to me.
And I needed that darkness he made for me.
I never slept so well,
but sleeping isn't love
the way sex isn't sleeping.
I will make him realize
until he has to shout it outright
-I couldn't have loved you.
I'm going to drive by
at all hours the way I used to do,
until I catch him entering
or exiting.
I'll roll up slow, ask him if he remembers me
and he will sideways smile,
how could he forget?
I don't have to make him say it,
I can see it in his eyes,
two orbs silently screaming,
-I still do not love you.
I will be certain
finally
of his feelings for me.
His spiced skin was
never enough to keep me
happy. It was not enough
to keep me around,
and he admits that my
craving for what I couldn't have
ran out with him.
Made him say to me,
a long time ago,
-I have never loved you.
I'm going to whisper
everything I've been thinking.
Tell you how that one time,
together accidentally close in someone's kitchen,
I caught your scent.
And I wanted to...
and I couldn't.
It felt the same as when you
wanted to love me,
but you couldn't,
when you told me
your heart doesn't work,
when you said
-I'll never love you.
I'm going to pull out
every hair on his body
using dogs and teeth and
bullets to do it.
I will torture him
until he admits
-I didn't love you.
I'm going to make
her scream and cry
and turn me in and take it
all back. She's going to say
-I don't love you.
And on my last stop
I'll find my way
to an unfamiliar door
where you wait
on the other side for me.
You wait in the bed
in total darkness.
And I get into it
with you.
And even though
this is just fucking,
I feel at home
with you.
I want you to come
and say it
while you come.
Have courage because
no one else
could do it.
And because I know you can.
Don't believe the lies of me.
Don't be swung around by them.
Just say it while you come,
it'll get me off.
-I fucking hate you.